This nursy plays dirty and does it with pain...

Monday, April 16, 2007

L O V I N G - a heart talk

Okay, this is my download time. This is going to be one candid talk and show you what my heart is like. I hope you'd share yours as well.

I can't claim to be an expert in relationships because I don't have a lot of experiences on it. But I think what I have experienced is enough to give out a few opinions about it... man, woman, man and woman, man and woman and relationship. Being poor, my growing up years were spent getting my education and helping out my "single parent" mother in taking care of our household and two younger brothers. There was not a lot of socializing until I went to college and even then I only had six close girlfriends that I ran around with throughout college. Yes, I did have some boys and some men that tried to be my special someone but I was just not into that and like I said, the lack of time diverted my attention away from relationship issues.

I was half way my junior year in college when my mother decided that it was time that I had a boyfriend and told me that she sent out my picture and bio-data to Cherry Blossoms, yep, the famous "mail-order-bride" company. Shortly after that I was getting all kinds of mails from all over the world. And after a short while, I was really getting tons and tons of letters, almost overwhelming. So my roommates at the dormitory helped me sort these men out. I can't even remember how and what. All I remember was we sure had a lot of laughter from it. I sure had many funny, frustrating, disgusting, overwhelming experiences from the men that had come to meet me in person.

One incident was when I was already a senior, in my calculus class, I was paged to come to the registrar's office. In there I met this towering German man who came to see me. Armed with my 6 chaperons (my girlfriends) to dinner we went. Across the dinner table he loudly proclaimed: "I have the money you want and you have the body I want." I wanted to disappear. When he requested to be alone with me was when he lost his chance on me, innocent me got spooked. I hid from him until he left the country.

Another incident, when I graduated college, I decided that I was old enough to go on a date without any chaperon, so bravely I met an Australian in Manila Bay, close to my college. We sat at the pier and talked and arranged a date for the following day. He took me to the bus stop and kissed me on the lips gently... I ran so fast and didn't look back. When I was sitting down in the bus and recollecting the incident, I felt so stupid... it was just a kiss!!! And that was the end of him because I hid the next day and the following days when he came to the dormitory, again, I was spooked.

It was about a handful of men that I "chose" to correspond with, only two that I was considering to get serious with. A man from San Diego, California was actually who I was more serious with, serious enough that plans of a wedding and children and life together were being discussed. Then we lost contact for 3 months. There came the man from Illinois, the second one that sounded nice enough and serious enough but no talk of any seriousness. But then he showed up and "impressed" me with his mild mannered, gentleman ways and talks of great promising togetherness, agreeing to every dream I had of what kind of family I wanted. Before the end of his three week visit, we became engaged. I let the man in San Diego knew about this and he begged me to undo the engagement but I am one of those even then that stand by my word and my word and promise I already gave, to the man from Illinois, my future husband.

It took less than 3 months to get my fiancee visa, back then it was much easier to use this kind of visa. So I married the man I thought would be my teacher and my partner for life. And on my honeymoon night I felt the feeling of doomed for the marriage. We had some big time argument. I cried and left him and sat on the beach all night crying my eyes out, wanting to go back home to the Philippines or fly back to my family in the Bay Area. He found me and we had a talk. Our marriage life from then on was a task which lasted 19 years. Separated twice and yet I was determined to make a go at it. Like I said, I stand by my decision and live through the consequences, attempting to make a better of it. Or at least make something positive out of a negative event. Two years of marriage when my only child was conceived and I was blamed for the pregnancy and made me feel bad for the first three months of the process. He finally figured out that I was going to keep the baby whether he was part of it or not. He understood and did his part as a provider and a good father later on. Our husband and wife side of the marriage was one sided. He was happy and content and I was falling into deep depression. Hatred towards him was starting to set in. I did not like that at all.

I was very scared because I was told in many occasion that I would not be able to support myself and much more with a child. Many threats of divorce, many nights of cries, many fights, many attempts to get him to see that there was a problem in the marriage, many letters outpouring my frustrations, my desires and my woes. Finally my visits to a psychologist to learn about me and about the marriage and to see the light and hope. And thank goodness for Zoloft, an antidepressant, I was able to crawl out of the pit of depression. But then althrough this, I had that itty bitty hope that I would wake up one morning and he would kiss me and hug me and say ... "alright, you are right, we are going to work on this marriage. I promise".

That itty bitty hope did not come into play until the day I was moving out, finally he realized that I somehow developed some guts to move onward. He was surprised that I was able to buy a house, arranged everything with the moving. By that time, I finished my degree in nursing and was starting to earn a decent money. And by this time, my healing process was going on as well.That was in 1997.

2000 I entered into an agreement with a great friend. It was an agreement that most people would probably say stupidity on my part but I did it anyway to save a great, honest man from sinking deeper in his quagmire because of series of bad lucks and unfortunate events. I only believed in him because I knew him all along (it was actually his ex-wife that I was more a friend with) and knew the truth. I figured that it was something I can do for someone that have been trying to be positive and trying so hard to make better of his life and yet kept being stomped on. I gave him two years but it went longer because we found out his metastatic cancer. He needed my health insurance coverage. Amazingly, he found a job because he did have a master's degree and prestigious positions and many accomplishments before his life turned upside down. So he was able to catch up with his obligations - 2 children and an evil ex-wife. His positivity I think was delaying the progress of his poor prognosis. Along came the abdominal aortic aneurysm. An elective surgery to correct it killed him because of an incompetent doctor, not the cancer. Imagine that, even at the end of his life he did not get a break in life.

The agreement we had, I had to break, because he fell in love with me. If only things with him were different... maybe!!! He always made me cry when he would call me his Angel... he would say it with genuine love, honesty and pure sincerity.

Then I met a man who I thought was IT!!! After many years without someone, I bravely did a "leap of faith" and handed him my heart in all its honesty and sincerity and openness and he disappointed me. I could not believe that there would be a person such as him. He lived in lies and deception. I was relieved that I discovered the truth about his real world...


MomInMiami said...

MsE, I wish you all the best with your relationship. You went through a lot and you deserved to be loved and a good lasting relationship soon :)

I only loved 2 men in my life. Man #1 is still a good friend and I talk to the wife sometimes too. I prayed to God for someone (all the specifics) back in college, I thought he was the one (Man #1). But then I did not realize that God has better plans for me, HE gave me Man # 2 whom I will be celebrating with our 6th wedding anniversary this yr and 10 yrs of friendship :)

Belle TH said...

dear E, thanks for sharing your love story. i learned more and more about you. everything happens for a reason, you know. your one and only handsome came out of this relationship which was a great blessing. I surely hope you will find the right guy to enjoy many seasons with. make sure not to hesitate to seek assistance from above to lead you to the right man.

have a good day my friend!

NursyE said...

Thank you lovely ladies for the visit. Belle, I do believe that everyhting happens for a reason. If the "IT" hunky did not turn out to be that way then I would have missed meeting and knowing this wonderful man... HE made it happened.

Elyani said...

Thanks for sharing E! I hope the IT guy will your destiny meets with choice. Do we know him? *winks* is he from ...??? ehmmmmm

NursyE said...

The "IT" hunky was not "IT" because he lived in a deceitful world. But because he turned out to be that way that I had the chance to meet this wonderful man that I am now in the process of getting to know... so far so good!!! And he's not from the cyberworld... He's from here closeby.